Imperfection is Beauty.

heartbreaker…

To think that someone could actually love me.. i think i’m going crazy over this. I still think about him, i ask myself how i could love this guy. i just can’t find the answer. maybe it wasn’t meant to be afterall. But i guess thats what we learn through life right? So this one goes to him..

You say to me that you never told a girl you loved them, but you told me… and that was supposed to mean something? what about you being busy all of a sudden.. how is that not another sign that there is something going on? The thing that i don’t understand is why you have to lie to me. I mean i don’t understand it, I cared about you… i was trying to be there for you. I mean yeah i got mad at times… but most of the time it was you, You had all the control over everything. I did everything you asked, FUCK everything you said! You didn’t mean anything you said. and i hate you. I never thought i would actually write those words down. But I did. I have something to tell you, I don’t think you’ll ever find someone like me, only because you live in Canada and i live in California. haha who would have thought that you & i would ever work out. I guess i cared too much. Do you, i don’t give a fuck about you anymore. I tried and tried, i waited for you to show me something, to say something that would give me a little reassurance, that you cared. But i got nothing in return. You know what i got? Heartbreak. I don’t know why i grew these feelings, they meant nothing to you right? and you don’t even claim me right? yeah. that’s what i thought. Texting me back was hard to do? or skyping me for even 2 minutes out of your “BUSY” day. i’m happy to say that in the end i learned something amazing. Love can be found anywhere, even if you’re thousands of miles away, or countries away. I learned to never give up, and that i shouldn’t give my heart away as easily as i had done. There’s probably someone out there as beatiful as you said i was, and she will probably be the Queen of your castle, and i hope you’ll treat her better than you ever treated me. I hope she loves you more than i ever loved you. I will never forget you, or the pain that you have caused me. But hey, if it was meant to be.. you’ll find a way back into my heart right?

The fact that you can give your heart away & that one person can break it in a matter of seconds hurts more than ever. I don’t think anyone will understand. Well … Time to move on I guess.

family is supposed to love not hate.

So, i start cutting my steak at dinner. the piece was too big so i was cutting it in half, and my brother made a stupid comment. I told him “don’t tell me anything” and i was giving a dirty look, so my dad sent me to dining room to eat by myself because he “didn’t want to see my face” how can my own dad say something like that. I feel like just because i have the problems in the family they like to bag and pick on me all the time. I remember back in the day when we were a happy family. Now things have changed, The day i move out.. i’m not coming back. I think i need a healthier happier life. Being home is only stressing me out. I’m such an unhappy person, i need to change that.

SAVE ME… God are you listening? hope so.

unhappiness…

is that what they call it out there?

I feel as if im trapped in this world, where i can’t get out. You know i was brought up in this world where everyone is mad all the time, no one is happy EVER.

You know i wonder if im ever going to change. I’m such an unhappy person.. I get so annoyed so easily, it literally ruins my mood, my day… everything! why am i like this?! why can’t i change. i hate how i let people ruin my day, i absolutely hate it.. and why can’t i change that?

I’m thinking that if i had a little freedom maybe i would be happier? what is happiness? Tell me what makes people so happy.. Love? too bad i’m without that.

 

is this love..

I say that i love you, and i mean it every time. but i have to ask myself if you really feel the same way that i feel. All these emotions and feelings im feeling are so real. I mean all i want is you, i just want us to be together.. and i never want you to leave me. I know that right now that’s not possible.. and one day it will be right? i mean you love me too don’t you? you’ve said it. You know sometimes i wonder if you’re even telling the truth or not. The fact that you don’t trust me just blows my mind. When you have a girl friend back at home. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?! if you really love me, then show it. I don’t want to wait around forever for this guy that i love to come around. You know maybe there is someone else out there for me, that can love me and cherish me, that can actually take me out, and see me in person. You know i at least thought you would do hald the stuff you said. But you let me down. You really did. All these things you’re hearing about me? You don’t even live here, so how would you know! and why wouldn’t you believe me! i can’t even believe you. I do anything you want me to do. I hardly ask you for anything, i mean i sent you a letter for heavens sake! You can’t even write me back like you said? God damnit! tell me what the fuck you want from this? Do you want to love me forever? Do you want to marry me like you said? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? I don’t think it’s that hard to figure out what you want. I told you what i want, now im just waiting on you. So.. should i even be waiting?